20.9.08

Suicide do's and dont's: Seven drugs, poisons, and other chemicals that are great to kill yourself with, provided you are into that sort of thing

Obligatory Disclaimer: The intention of this post is not to provide instructions on how to end your life. If you are seeking such information, there are plenty of places to find it on the Internet.

My personal view (since you obviously want to know) on suicide is that sometimes it's okay, particularly as a means of relieving terminal pain and suffering. However, it does bum me out when someone with a potentially treatable mental illness takes their life. I'm not saying that drugs can fix everyone, or even really 'fix' people at all, but they do have the potential to increase an individual's quality of life.

Anyway, if you're thinking about kicking your own bucket, perhaps I could humbly suggest two things? First, do some research. The Wikipedia article on sucide isn't a bad place to start. Or maybe it is, I'm not an expert. Second, there's this thing called the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. It's capitalized because it's important! If you want to give them a call, their number is 1-800-273-TALK. Just saying.

Okay, back to drugs. To complement my previous post, here are the "do's" of chemical-based suicide. I've kept it to single chemicals, so effective synergistic combos like ethanol and Valium have been excluded.

7. Old school tricyclic antidepressants
As far as prescription drugs go, these suckers are pretty darn toxic. They are associated with a higher rate of death in the event of an overdose relative to the newer nontricyclic antidepressants (e.g. SSRIs such as Zoloft or Prozac) [1]. In this regard, of all the tricyclics, desipramine (aka Norpramin or Pertofrane) is apparently the most 'effective'.

6. General anaesthetics
Ever been put under? They tell you to start counting down from 10, and you're out cold at 8. If your anesthesiologist is actually a highly deceptive, remarkably agile, incredibly intelligent, and yet stunningly incompetent grizzly bear, then it's likely that your heart stops around 2. Acquisition may be a challenge, but otherwise it's probably just a matter of making sure you push enough to shut your brain (and heart, and lungs) down permanently.

5. Any narcotic solvent (diethyl ether, chloroform, benzene, etc.)
The American government just had to go and make it confusing, but from a pharmacological standpoint, a narcotic is essentially any substance that in appreciably large quantities produces euphoria, stupor, and/or coma. Up the dose a little bit more, and add death to that list.

4. gamma-Hydroxybutyrate (GHB)
A big ol' bolus will cause rapid unconsciousness, respiratory depression, and heart failure. Vomiting and convulsions may occur but generally only while you're unconscious, so no biggie. In short, a big mess for whoever cleans you up but a built-in fail-safe (aspirating on your vomit) as far as ending things goes.

3. Opioids (heroin, morphine, fentanyl, etc.)
The primary purpose of these drugs are to numb pain, which is a good place to start when you're looking to meet the reaper.

2. Barbiturates
The number one choice of doctors who end their lives [2].

1. Carbon monoxide
Puts you to sleep before it knocks you off, is readily available (see: gas ovens, running vehicles in the garage, etc.), and you don't even have to swallow or inject something. There's a reason they make detectors for it.

[1] Kapur S, Mieczkowski T, Mann JJ. (1992). Antidepressant medications and the relative risk of suicide attempt and suicide. JAMA 268(24): 3441-3445.
[2] Hawton K, Clements A, Simkin S, Malmberg A. (2000). Doctors who kill themselves: a study of the methods used for suicide. QJM 93(6): 351-357. (link)

68 chemically inspired comments:

Isobel said...

Hey. Thanks for an interesting post.

Can you provide a link for the barbiturate reference that people outside the University of Toronto can access? Or just the paper title and authors, so I can look it up myself :)

milkshake said...

Carbon monoxide poisoning will make you beautifully pink even many weeks later - you will never turn ghastly bluish like the other corpses. (The same carbon monoxide trick is used to treat fresh tuna sold in supermarkets, to prevent it from ever going brown). The downside of CO poisoning is that - should you get resuscitated - you likely end up with specific brain damage resulting in blindness, poor coordination, slurred speech and dementia. I have seen footage of CO poisoning survivors and it wasn't pretty.

Nitrogen-induced hypoxia suicide is much safer alternative IMHO, completely reversible until you die. And it happened (by accident) to lot of folks in the industry and they haven't noticed it.

Succesful suicide prevents the hair loss.

Chris said...

Hey isobel. I altered the link so it can be accessed by non-U of Toronto people. Sorry about that.

milkshake, I can always count on you to spice my post up with an insightful comment. My thanks.

richard77 said...

How about ammonia? If I remember well, it has depressing effects on breath center.
Also tv crime series writers seems to agree on effectiveness of potassium chloride (injection required).

PS: I'm the commenter on the previous post. I also don't condone suicide, and I was not looking for advice.

C.D. Clements said...

I'll choose...

Anonymous said...

I'm an aspiring writer who's fascinated by poisons (there's something seductive about substances that can kill you slowly and quietly). I need a recommendation, however. If you lived at the turn of the 20th century and wanted to create a poison essentially from scratch, how would you do it? How would you even go about it? I've been reading up on poisonous plants--hemlock, of course, foxglove, nightshade, etc.--would that be the best method? What are the effects of ingestion? Are there any other items that would have been available in a Victorian house that would work more efficiently than these plants?

Thank you so much. This is an amazing site you have here.

milkshake said...

In Victorian times they had much better selection than nowadays - arsenic, strychnin, morphin. One of the favorite poison plants was Wolfbane - it is easy to extract a highly potent taste-free poison from its roots, the aconitin is difficult to detect and produces symptoms of heart attack, the plant is very common and has been grown as a decorative plant in back yards. I remember Wolfbane was mentioned in the whodunit stories before - one particularly insidious poisoning plot involved bees being placed intentionally next to flowering Wolfbane, to produce poisonous honey.

Anonymous said...

What about Potassium Chloride, as written on another web site?....

Potassium Chloride (Injected In Solution)
Dosage: not known (try 20cc injection of strong solution)
Time: Seconds to minutes
Available: Widely available
Certainty: Certain given correct dosage
Notes: Causes heart attack (which is painful). May be difficult for coroner to realise it was suicide rather than a natural heart attack. An excess of K+ in the blood interferes with nerve signals, and stops muscles and nerves from working. So when it reaches your heart, the heart stops.

milkshake said...

Grossly elevated potassium in blood is easy to find post mortem if one is looking for it. You need to inject it intravenously and that will leave a mark. The injection is searingly painful because of the high salinity. Thats why convicts condemned to lethal injection are given strong general anethetic and a muscle paralysis agent first - so that they dont wriggle with pain, when finished off with KCl.

I think the most reliable/painless method is a BASE jump without a shute. Leaves a mess though.

BloodyTrollop said...

Hi There! I'm writing a story right now that I hope you can help me with. You see my main character is a bartender who has a very large collection of poisons and drugs. While looking for some interesting ones, I found your blog.

This may be a little forward of me but could we talk poison sometime? I love all the strange affects these things can have over people. Even thought and reason can be chemically overridden. My email's anime_wolf@hotmail.com, I really do hope we can chat.

Richard T said...

carbon monoxide is meant to be painful,
but if you want a pain free and pleasant (as it gets) death Nitrogen is the way to go hypoxia

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nitrogen#Safety

there was a documentary on the tv in the UK about the death penalty and the show found the gas was the best

Anonymous said...

Is it weird that this was the last article?

Wolfgang said...

Did I miss good old fashion tylenol (acetaminophen) on your list. It is one of the most common substances used in suicide attempts as I witnessed first hand working on a psych ward for a few years. All it takes if about 15 extra strength tabs and Mr. Liver is going to start packing his bags to check out.

Synchronium said...

Great post.

You mentioned table salt in your previous article as something not to kill yourself with, but reduced sodium table salt would be a great addition to this post.

It's mainly KCl instead of NaCl. If you were to inject a saturated solution of that into your blood, the massive increase in potassium concentrations would almost certainly stop your heart.

I'm sure I read somewhere that it's KCl + Anaesthetic that's used in those euthanasia clinics around the world.

Diggitt said...

The May 15, 1965 New Yorker Magazine, in Annals of Medicine (by Berton Roueche) told an amazing story. An farmer in the Ozarks grafted tomatoes onto Jimson weed rootstock so that he would get a longer tomato-growing season.

Jimson weed (Datura stramonium) is a cousin to tomato, so the farmer's taxonomy was on target, sort of. However, the secondary metabolites of Jimson weed include atropine, hyoscyamine and scopolamine, and they wound up in the tomato fruit. The first tomato of the season pretty much wiped out the farmer's family.

It's a fascinating story. At the time Roueche wrote about it, I don't recall that the actual mechanism -- why the poisons wound up so concentrated in the alien fruit -- was known, but it may be now.

I found the whole story so interesting (including the historical elements of early European thinking that the tomato was poison)that I got my NY state botany certification with studies of the Solanaceae.

Anonymous said...

I've always felt that aside from suicide induced by exposure to extreme cold (such as on a mountain summit, or outdoors in a severely cold climate), an ideal method of preference would be through use of a one-way breathing circuit fitted with a C02 absorbing canister. A colleague used something along these lines many years ago to end his own life (he was a medical pulmonologist). Visualise a schematic that features a rubber, over-the-head mask fitted to a breathing hose (such as that found on the surplus Russian GP-5 or GP-6 gas mask); after the exhalation valve is tightly sealed shut on the mask, the distal end of the mask's breathing inlet hose is connected to a circular breathing circuit that features an in-line C02 absorbing canister (filled with color-indicating soda lime granules) and an in-line breathing reservoir (of about 50 liters capacity, such as in a small latex meteorological balloon). The breathing circuit also features two one-way check valves to keep respired gas circulating in the same direction. Since C02 provides the body's principal chemoreceptor warning of pending asphyxiation (and spurs increased respiratory efforts), the person using such a circuit would (in theory) feel none of the anxious, 'breathless' sense of panic that a hypercapnic state normally provokes as the available 02 in the circuit continues to be consumed. Assuming the C02 absorber is up to the task of scrubbing rebreathed room-air of all the exhaled C02 while the circuit is in use, and assuming the reservoir of room-air provided is sufficient to the task as well, the user should soon succumb to asphyxia without undue discomfort. Unconsciousness ensues well before terminal hypoxemia occurs (eg. death). Of course, any premature disruption of the process (prior to actual death) may leave the user alive, but in a state of severe permanent brain vegetation, so such an assembly is NOT to be attempted without a great deal of careful planning and calculation beforehand. The physical assembly of a system like this is rather easy to cobble together from available pulmonary hardware, but the usual warnings apply: "Kids, don't try this at home! Professional suicide by professional (and DETERMINED) death-wish pursuer."

Anonymous said...

What a fantastic post! Do you have any idea how difficult it is to find reliable information when you're trying to kill yourself? Now the only problem is how to make it look like an accident... I'm sure you didn't intend for your post to be used in this way, but wouldn't you prefer a well thought-out, well-researched, scientifically-minded suicide to a dodgy botched one?

Anonymous said...

One more little tip for the carbon monoxide (CO) fans out there: it ain't gonna come from your car. Contrary to popular belief and shows like CSI, you cannot kill yourself by sucking on your car's exhaust pipes. Nor can you shut the garage and fire up the car to knock yourself off. The newer generation catalytic converters, combined with much cleaner-burning engines, will prevent CO from reaching lethal levels. You'll simply be left with a crushing headache. Now... perhaps you can get yourself an old "classic" car and give it a whirl. If so, select a pre-1972 model. Be sure to leave it to me in your will :)

Anonymous said...

Actually running a car in the garage can still be effective but you have to remove the catylitic converter. Follow the exhaust pipe from the muffler forward and you will find it. Two minutes with a saws-all and you can have it off. It will take longer with a hacksaw. This should boost the CO concentration in the exhaust enough to do the trick. Tip: instead of letting the garage fill up with CO, just run a hose into the cabin and seal it well with duct tape. Cheers.

Laura said...

Heey,
Came across this site by accident looking up poisions to kill with for an english story. weirdly enough. haha. Very interesting read. My friend and I found the general anaesthetics very interesting. Quick and easy if you can get it. Thanks for the interesting facts.

Anonymous said...

This is your last post... gross irony? Graduated? Well regardless, as a Canadian I'd like to see more posts (:

Anonymous said...

Hi, Thanks for the post! my mum recently killed herself via carbon monoxide poisoning, and as painful as it was for me, i needed to know what happened and how etc...and to see CO is on the list of "do's" can somewhat ease a teeny edge off knowing she wasnt awake or slowly dying and things..and interesting someone says that u are left pink, as i wondered why her fingertips etc were still rosey..anyways thanks..from a women confused in N.Z...

Anonymous said...

If you think locking yourself in the garage with the car running won't kill you, tell that to my ex gf. Whose fiance did just that with an early 2000's pickup. He ended up with something much more serious than a bad headache, he was successful and the cat wasn't removed.

Disapointed Paramedic said...

There are comments on this page saying people cannot kill themselves using modern cars in a garage. This is incorrect. Just yesterday a 23 year old girl did just this is her garage, only to be found by her mother who called 000. We worked on her for 30 mins, 3 loads of adrenaline, constant CPR and tubed her as well. She was not able to be revived. Carbon Monoxide is a horrible way to die with severe headache, followed by nausea and sometimes convulsions. I dont think people would be so intersted in suicide after they have ventilated a young girl with her dead eyes looking up at you for 20 mins.

Anonymous said...

Nitrogen should work nicely. One deep breath of N2 will totally purge the co2 from your lungs and your brain will not know to tell you to breathe. Happens in industry as an accident many times because N2 is inert and used to purge air from hydrocarbon equipment before reintroducing hydrocarbons. Workers sometimes forget that N2 is dangerous because it is inert, and inadvertently enter a vessel that has been N2 purged only to be overcome and pass out. Unfortunately many times another worker will attempt a rescue,only to meet with the same death.

Travelling with Johnny said...

Suicide is ones own choice, im sick and tired of ppl commenting against it. Its also nature's way of controlling the population. Personally it should be legalized and readily available like futurerama. My second, and most valuable argument for suicide is such: When ppl are depressed and feel like they have been defeated, then they are more likely to take it out on others, i.e. shootings, etc. Not having suicide available is alot like being in prison in a sense. Trapped, so of course they go crazy, freak out and take it out on society. Do you really want that? Give them their freedom, their salvation, otherwise they may take it out on you.

My idea would be such; Lots of alcohol + Hypothermia! (obviously restricted to those in colder climates.
Or
Alcohol and a tall tall building. You cant fear what you wont feel.

Anonymous said...

I had a friend kill himself in a brand new vehicle in his garage just last week without use of a saw or any duct tape, WITH the catalytic converter perfectly in tact. The many friends he didn't realize he had due to use of Steroid and HGH abuse turned his brain to mush and now a beautiful, sweet, vibrant man is gone forever. Suicide SUCKS for those you leave behind that CARE.

Anonymous said...

Some people clearly don't understand suicide. I have thought long and hard about the people who will be left behind but I will be where I want to be. With my brother. It doesn't mean to say it is a solution for everyone but it's just a means to an ends for me, just like other things are for others. Thanks for this article. Much appreciated :)

Anonymous said...

The deal with using Nitrogen is that you have to be in motion when inhaling the gas. Otherwise it is not fast enough. The blood has a lot of O2 reserves so you have to run out of that oxygen before nitrogen replacement takes in. I know this because I already tried it. So you basically need to fill up a room with N2 and dance a little bit, or inhale it during your sleep or something. Have a nice death eveyone!

Anonymous said...

Jesus Christ. Some of the comments on this page are so disrespectful and immature. Killing yourself isn't cool or something to take lightly and neither is mental illness. I have depression and I've contemplated committing suicide more than once but I knew that I'd be leaving my loved ones behind and burdening them with such horrific emotional and mental consequences would be selfish. You need professional help if you want to kill yourself. I understand that people can feel alone and utterly helpless and that it's all about personal choice but people need to see the negative and heart wrenching reaction that suicide can cause. Please don't take it lightly.

Anonymous said...

Yes, Suicide sucks. Yes, you can do it in the garage with a new truck and no hacksaw. My children's father was cremated today. I wish he were alive. And he will never take another breath. Never see his kids graduate from college, get married, have children. Never play his guitar again. Never smell rain. Never hear rain pelt the roof while being safe inside.

If you are desparate, make a list of 100 things you love. Big and small. Rare and common.

Whatever. It's the way back.

Anonymous said...

yeah. im thinking about killing myself for a year now. not telling why so some ejerk can say how stupid a reason it is. to those who care, if they really flippin cared they would respond to my texts and calls and not just act annoyed. thanks for the ideas here i have been thinking KCL but not sure if i drink enough it will do the trick. not that i want to suffer a heart attack to die but since i suffer on every living moment of my life it wont matter much 2 b my last.

Anonymous said...

i'm sick of people trying to talk others out of suicide. There are many reasons for it and only the people who have been close to the victim for their whole lives actually know what they are. Let people make their own choice and quit trying to force your opinions on others. Most of these people don't even want to help, they just don't like the fact that they were part of what caused it.

Anonymous said...

Very interesting stuff indeed. My brother attempted suicide by gunshot and was not successful. He sustained NO brain damage, the bullet missed his brain altogether but the facial and speech deformities have required numerous surgeries. He's angry we did not allow him to "bleed it out." I understand because depression can be debilitating and frankly, I'd rather have him dead than in his current situation (miserable, in pain, and angry).

Anonymous said...

I like what Travelling with Johnny says "Personally it should be legalized and readily available..."

To me, life is nothing without freedom of choice. Though we are 'forced' into this life, for unknown (and probably messed up) reasons.

Now we are living in such awful times, in which good, honest and hardworking people are not given a chance at employment of any kind. So why indeed would they want to go on living?

Another aspect that people are maybe too PC to talk about, is that suicide could vastly improve human behavior, and this bloody awful animal we call 'society.' When gay youth were killing themselves as a result of being bullied, the discussion about their rights was greatly amplified to very positive effect. They did not die in vain.

I am an adult female survivor of horrendous childhood sexual abuse, at the hands of my grandfather and mother. I cannot rid myself of the memories and yes, suicide sounds like a perfectly peaceful solution for me. I don't care what 'society' thinks. Others have not lived intimately in my skin. For the most part, they simply don't count. I am a spirit in my own right, though of course I am aware that many others have suffered similar abuse.

I owe human society NOTHING. Nothing whatsoever. All I want now, is that this ugly 'social' force finally do something right to redeem itself, and create suicide centers. I will then go there, washed clean and in beautiful clothes. I will write a final note I deem appropriate, and I will find some lovely flowers to grace my head as I die painlessly. What could be more beautiful or simple?

j.w.g said...

I agree with T W J. it should be ones own decision as to you're death. But look at it this way-if you decided to end your life no one knows it but you and so the issue of being against the law is rather moot. Its only when you are found out before hand is the problem. So in other words If you decide to end your life keep it secret.
..

Anonymous said...

I agree. Suicide should be legally a person's right. Their own freewill and choice, providing that no one else is going to be harmed in the process.

Some people get to the stage when basically they just want out. This isn't exactly what I would call a very pleasant world, personally.

Anonymous said...

Some people think it's a selfish act but, when people choose suicide they don't realize that people will care that much and that's why they don't think of the ones left behind.
Unless you've ever felt that way - it's hard to understand.
I've thought about it many times and I know I will continue to think about it. I have a chemical imbalance that there is no cure for. I have no fear of dying - but I try hard every day to find a reason to keep going and it can be very difficult. It's like a battle between you and the person trying to take over your thoughts. (I call her Sybil) It's very exhausting and I assume someday she'll win.

Nigel said...

Had to reply to the previous post: a death, however caused is almost certain to leave behind those who care and will feel the loss. I don't think anyone takes their own life without considering those that will be affected. But besides thinking of others, we have a duty to think of ourselves. A permanent solution to a temporary problem? My "temporary problem" reached breaking point when my son was two; now he's twelve I owe it to myself to stop considering others and do what I need to do.

Anonymous said...

I've been searching forever for a post like this. Thanks for the information.

Anonymous said...

from carbon monoxide 2011: Catalysts typically reduce CO emissions by 80 percent.

=====
Last week a woman in Tampa died because her neighbor left his car running in his closed garage. Her apartment adjoined his garage.

Anonymous said...

Excuse me, is there nothing more easy and permanent than a gun?

Peter said...

Suicide is a cowards way out! I found this comment to be true after many years of depression and many attempts to hit the eject button. My attempts included "massive insulin overdoses mixed with enough sleeping pills to knock out Mohamed Ali". "Same drugs and a deserted coastline high up on a rock ledge". "A rope attached to a tree,threaded through the space that the rear window had been kicked out of, the other end attached to my neck, a large dose of intravenous morphine and a heavy foot upon the pedal, laughs, I passed out and hit a tree before the rope ran out. A hose into my rear window and sleeping tabs, woke up with a head from hell, 1/2 a tank of fuel and it was all gone. A 64 volt 200amp DC power supply attached to a timer, a bath tub full of water and sleepers. I do not know why I am still alive, but I am and I feel blessed now that I was not successful, for life has taken a massive turn away from dispare.
My attempts were many and non were expected to fail.
Stick it out folks, for you are worthwhile and loved by me even though we have never met. I know your pain, hand it over to God, He loves you too! Please remember that you ARE WORTHWILE and reguardless of what you tell yourself, you are LOVED.
Jesus has shown me a way out of my pain. Have a look yourself.

To all those who suffer from this compulsion to hit the off switch my prayers go out to you.

Peter

Anonymous said...

My sister has tried to commit suicide a few times using Tylenol. It was mentioned 15 means you could possibly be trying to commit suicide. Doesn't it depend on your tolerance how much it takes someone? She took a lot more then 15. Just trying to understand

Anonymous said...

@ANONYMOUS: You're assuming that those of us considering suicide have people who CARE about us. If we actually felt that way, we wouldn't be suicidal. I had two uncles commit suicide (one used a gun, one used pills). My biggest advice is don't leave a mess and DO leave a note.

Francisco said...

Yes car exhaust kills.

Yes the tricyclic antidepressants suppress part of the central and peripheral nervous systems enough to kill you and in relatively low doses (say 8 capsules or tablets instead of your prescribed 1). They are not at all difficult to get from a shrink, and I believe there is no pain involved.

Also easy and very effective is a strong opioid (oxycodone) in high doses (efficacy varies depending on weight and tolerance) alone, or, more effectively and with lower doses, opioids and benzos; also opioids, benzos, and/or barbiturates. Barb's are just harder to come by these days unless you're a seizure patient (phenobarbital) or suffer from migraines or focal headaches (Fioricet - contains butalbital). On the other hand, a combination of Xanax (alprazolam) or some other benzo and an opioid even as low-potency as Vicodin/Lortab/Norco (hydrocodone) or Percocet/Roxicodone/Oxycontin (oxycodone) is one of the leading causes of drug-induced death in the U.S (take Heath Ledger for example). You simply go to sleep and don't wake up.

A more easy and more readily attainable source is, as someone mentioned, Datura stramonium (a.k.a. Devil's trumpet and Jimson weed)which grows all over the place in the U.S. or the seeds of which can be bought and the plant grown fairly quickly to fruition (<6 months). It contains a relatively large spectrum of psycho- and nerve- active chemicals which cause (usually consumed as a tea w/leaves) hallucinations leading to delusions, complete interruption of the acetylcholine pathways (nerve-to-muscle communication and activation), and respiratory depression and eventually heart fibrillation and flatlining.

But, no matter how you see it or argue that it's your in-born right to do it, self-preservation is one of the strongest, innate motives/forces of nature in any form of life. Any legitimate and absolute desire to end one's life is, in one form or another, a component and indication of some type of insanity and should be treated as such; that's the bottom line.

Francisco said...

Anonymous Anonymous said...

"It has been sayed that suicide is a permanet solution to a temporary problem. But, what should one do when a temporary problem continues for years? Even a stone wears away when water is run over it continually."

4:31 PM

Suicide is an irreversible act, an act where one decides to... well...

Life is one of the rare things in that is given to you, we, us, freely with no action required on our part. Who am I, or who are we, to take it or to end it, to...destroy that which was given to you, me, or us, by a power greater than ourselves. If anything, our responsibility is to make the most of it; whether that means helping others or saving other forms and permutations of organic life itself is up to you and us.

And, by the way, the complete erosion of a stone (depending on several variables) takes centuries and millennia, is a completely natural process, and the stone (which was never alive in the first place) has neither the choice, nor the will to avoid this process. Also relevant, an inorganic solid, such as a stone, is no greater than the sum of its parts, whereas organic life is precisely the opposite. Last, but not least, the stone can be reformed in another time and place.

Anonymous said...

Hello; good article, but lacking in one area (in common with all such articles). I need a known method that uses something that I can actually readily obtain, and I can't just walk into Tesco for Nembutarol or go out and by a car (and a garage) to gas myself (see, suicide-haters -- we are ethical too!)

I want something that I can readily find (other than a large knife) that I can take up a hill with me, ingest, and pass peacefully from my wretched life. I am a washed-up late-40s academic, effectively homeless, unemployed and have just lost the love of my life (and I've known enough candidates to know that she is not replaceable).

I have been slipping down this cliff-face for some years, and now I just want to let go.

I just need the "...where can I obtain" along with the "how". Please :)

Anonymous said...

I have been contemplating. I disowned my family due to years of mental and emotional abuse, I have been physically, mentally and emotionally abused by men and even a few women, and my current boyfriend wants to kick me out of his house because I am such a mess I guess I haven't been treating him right either. He has betrayed me by discussing our problems with his ex-girlfriend who absolutely hates me and I just can't seem to let anything go. I have so much anxiety and depression and bipolar disorder, and to top everything else off I have a rare neurological disease called CADASIL that will cause dementia and incontinence in the not so far off future. My so called family gave me no empathy and as a matter of fact the only thing that was said to me was that is what happens when I do drugs. I used to do a bunch of drugs to try and escape all the pain. Another thing is that I have had a broken neck and at least I can still walk but I also have fibromyalgia and arthritis. I am such a mess in so many ways. I will turn 43 next week. Maybe. Thanks for all the suggestions. I just don't want any more pain... emotional OR physical. How can I go on? Maybe a couple of people love me. My son even thinks I'm a cunt and a stupid crazy bitch. I just don't see how I can go on...

Anonymous said...

i agree with traveling jhonnie the state took my one and only baby boy i was a single father struggling. and i enjoyed it as lon as we were together. i didnt even hit my kids or anything. this drug addict bitch kept calling cps with bogus shit becuz i wouldent front her. i lost my job car and house it took years to finally get somewhere in life i sell bcuz i have problems keeping a job but i still got them for our better future i've been app. for ssi but i have trouble bcuz the states broke my son was my world i havent heard from him all year i try to be strong for him but i dont know if i'll ever see him again so i'm not content my heart i wanna kill the judge and myself so they wont have the satisfaction of torturing in prison been there done that. that man took my life without a shred of proof. i dont have no money to even suppot myself less long classes that cost 25 dollars a week i dont have nothing no frinds family,or kids who the fuck would miss me. but i don't have the money or gas to kill the judge

Peter said...

Everything is treatable. But it doesn't mean u could approach a worthy living. So I'm right now 10 years in treatment of depression. And yeah I'm considering suicide.

Anonymous said...

>> Personally it should be legalized and readily available

Hear, hear.

>> Suicide SUCKS for those you leave behind that CARE.

Living sucks for those who are at the point of considering suicide. Let them go, and stop being selfish.

Anonymous said...

I agree that it should be a choice. I had a friend that I knew for 20 years. He was never a happy person. He took his own life and now I feel that he is out of his misery and done suffering. As far as hurting the people you leave behind and how horrible and selfish it is..well, I think it's selfish of the friends and family to make such a deal over it. If they really love you I think they should support your decision. If you love somebody set them free- right? I always thought we were supposed to make the best choices for ourselves and put ourselves first. I'm glad I stumbled upon this site. I am not saying to go kill yourselves either, but I think it should be pro-choice. I knew two other guys that killed themselves in the car, carbon monoxide poisoning. Old school- with a hose, duct tape, a full tank of gas and some good music blasting.

Anonymous said...

Is there a way to commit suicide so you could still donate your organs? So far I don't think there is, but I could be wrong. That's another good reason to make it legal. Help save the ones that wanna live :)

Anonymous said...

Wow.this is actually a very interesting article and the comments are good too. It is right that everyone should have their own choice in death. Wither they want to take their own life or let old age be the death of them. Its all their choice and I dont get why people dont undertand that. Ive felt like so many times I should just do it, but for some reason I never have. I wake up in a horriable life and dont like it at all. I go to sleep not wanting to get up. Its not that I dont want to live, its just I am done with life for the most part. I know Im young but when you dont have dreams or aspire for a future its hard to think about going on. I dont know what I should do, but Im tired of people and if I said I wanted to kill myself theyd say im crazy and theyd try to get me help. I don want it. Ive been to theropy before and that really didnt do much more than what people already do when they know im upset.

Anonymous said...

People who are against suicide have no right to prevent someone from ending their own life. Even if they have a treatable illness or some short term problem. If you really care about someone that is suicidal then stop trying to prevent it, a short and happy life is far better than years of suffering and torment. Death is a door to peace not suffering, which is why we should allow euthanasia in America.

My advice for those who are suicidal is to seek treatment in one of the many countries that allow euthanasia. After all you wont need money once you're dead.
Another alternative is getting a doctor to prescribe Zoloft and overdosing. Small amount of medication needed to succeed. Or wait till you turn 21, buy a handgun and wait till you feel its your last option, otherwise live life with that safety knowing you can end your life at any time you want, it's actually empowering.

Do not attempt to cut your wrists, overdose on over the counter medication, or jump off something. Bleed out takes too long and usually results in hospitalization, if you can even cut deep enough. OTC Medication requires a very high dosage usually resulting in nausea and vomiting. Falling is scary and isn't necessary to feel afraid when you die.

Anonymous said...

To Johnny b. good.
Sorry you think suicidal people are a threat to society. I been looking for easy methods and your posting helped me get out of my slump. It's not Columbine, always. My Mom of 86, with advanced Cancer decided she had enough. The 'thinning' of the population happened with war, disease and old age. Watch 'Logans Run' for your theories. Alcohol came up as part of the method. I guess it helps if you want a slow, painful death from liver failure,brain damage etc.
Unless, of course you come from Canada and all it would take is a few cold ones and exposure to extreme weather... Never been to jail, always a peace keeper.
Blake from B.C.

Anonymous said...

With God, all things are possible.
don't kill yourself: nomatter what
you are going through. God will help
you.

Anonymous said...

I feel exactly as you do. I'd probably be dead by now if I didn't think how it would effect people close to me.

Anonymous said...

you don't need to swear. it's just a blog. but i'll play with you. . .what if i no longer have any loved ones ''to upset'' will that be alright with you then? ha, or better yet your ''loved ones'' trying to get rid of you. suicide is iberating to so many.

Anonymous said...

I suffer from such painful depression and I think because of the lack of understanding of mental health issues, people who are in terminal pain from mental illness are truly looked down on when they want to end the pain. If you have cancer, you are often give morphine, and maybe just a little too much and you are gone. I heard the injection of NoSalt was a pretty win-win. Everyone thinks you have died from a heart attack so there is no weirdness for the people left behind. They are sad because you had a heart attack, not freaked that you just could not bear the pain any more and had to get on with it.

Anonymous said...

Suicide is an option, and should be legalized. Why you has to be condemned to live a life that you do not wants or you are tired of it. Who gave to the society the right to decide that I can not take my life?

Anonymous said...

Vodka, Extra-Strength Tylenol and a warm bath. Would this be ineffective or too painful???

I'm not trying to kill myself. I'm writing a story and I want try to be as accurate as possible

Leo said...

If there is something that really makes me angry is when people say that those who commit suicide are selfish. This is so wrong, so annoying. And the worst part is that this comment is made by moslty those who have never been suicidal at any stage of their lives. How can you affirm sucha a thing when you have never experienced the agony and frustration of trying to commit suicide but at the same time not being able to do it because you have brothers, sisters, parents and friends who need you?

Was the mother of the person who posted saying that his/her mother committed suicide with carbon dioxide so selfish that she decided that it was so much better to die than to leave her daughter or son in this world?

Do you really think that those who commit suicide never think about their loved ones?
I am surprised that you being depressed can make such a statement.

Anonymous said...

People are always so quick to voice their opinions about others who want to commit suicide. Do us all a favor and go back to your perfect lives in your perfect world and fuck off. Why should you care if someone wants to kill themself? No one seems to care about anyone until it gets to that level. It won't make any difference if I or if 1,000,000 others commit suicide tomorrow because the world will continue on. The sun will rise and set and time will not stop and mourn for me or anyone else. People will go on raping, killing, molesting children, and hating people because of their ethnic background or the color of their skin. My decision to off myself is my own and meaniless words of encouragement is extremely futile! People don't just wake up one morning and decide to commit suicide. I can't speak for everyone and their reasons, but from the time I was 3 years old I wanted to die. I have tried and tried to live a normal productive life and say out loud that I love myself and I want to live, but I don't. Every moment of everyday is unbearable, and if there is a God then he hates me and I curse his name for allowing me to be born. I would have rather died and rotted in my mothers womb and then removed and thrown in the trash. Don't feel sorry for me or anyone else because I don't. Not at all.

Anonymous said...

I think I have the unique perspective to talk about suicide (or attempted)from both the side of the one attempting it and having a loved one attempt it. I tried twice to commit suicide by overdose. The first time I did not die (obviously) but due to humiliation, I did not seek medical attention and was incredibly ill for quite some time after. The second time was an attempt by overdose again & when
I was still alive to watch the most beautiful sunrise..I knew that I was alive for a reason. This time I did seek medical help but was treated so cruelly by the nurses, I left b4 I could talk to someone. I just want to say that when one is feeling so utterly desperate & alone & feels like it is the answer to all ones' probs...that is when I could have used some love ,compassion & understanding & to be reminded that while the problem is temporary...suicide is not. I am a very UNselfish person...yet when I felt so horrible & like it was the only way out, I wasn't capable of thinking of my "loved ones". Now,in the past 6 months I have been on the "other end" of attempted suicide. In my case a few days after our family dog of 12 years passed away in my arms, my son came to me and revealed that he had attempted suicide. Although I knew he had been dealing with some depression for a while,the symptoms he displayed were minor yet the amount he was truly suffering was monumentally major. Tonight I found a suicide note my 15yr old daughter had written earlier as she has contemplated suicide (since i discovered how much she had been indulging in self destructive behavior)b/c she is having to face some realities that she has been running from. She no longer has access to her 'crutches' that have masked the true intense amount of pain she has been in for a while now. They are both sweet,kind,loving & caring souls & had not realized how utterly devastating it is to their loved ones.In short,when you are so immersed n your depression and feel like there is nothing left to live for,you just want the pain to stop. Now,as someone on the receiving end...it is without a doubt, the most painful way to lose (or to realize you may have lost) someone who is so precious to you. Life has not been easy & still isn't always easy but suicide is no longer an option as a way out of my problems b/c the greatest lesson I have learned is that problems are temporary but suicide is not. The other lesson I have learned is that taking your life is the most devastating way to leave your loved ones behind & the problem you create through suicide (the guilt that you leave your loved ones feeling) is just as permanent as your death. I truly hope that these words can help even just one tortured soul...because if you can find at least one positive to come out of something as negative as suiicde, than you have learned a valuable lesson that may just help to save another tortured soul out there. My son is doing better now and is very much his happy kind loving self again & our relationship is better than it has ever been. And even though my daughter is just starting her journey back to herself...I will do my damnedest to do whatever it takes to help her get back to herself again as well. As someone who has been there, I truly feel that I can understand what they are going thru & as someone watching their loved one suffer, I can let them know that even though they may feel alone...they are never alone! Life IS worth living & fighting for!!!

Anonymous said...

Hey, thanks for your information. I have been depressed and suicidal for four years. I do understand that the survivors of suicide decisions grieve, but it isn't about the survivors. Those of use who want to end our lives are in a physical pain that others cannot understand. I love my children, but life has been exhausting for me...from an abusive childhood that included physical abuse, sexual abuse and abandonment, to a life partner who is exhaustingly immature.....I am done!! Death is a welcome relief for me and it give my husband and my daughter the financial benefit they have always sought..to them I'm just the cash cow anyway. I do believe my son will genuinely miss me, and for him...I am sorry to have caused him pain. I think a few friends will mis me...but I am truly just too exhausted to go on.

Anonymous said...

I want to end my life as a mother bc I feel utterly defeated in every aspect of my life. I had all the opportunities in the world given to me and I messed all of them up- my education, my marriage, my credit, etc. I feel like there's nothing I can Di- well there is but I'm tired of going through this. I've been unhappy for as long as I can remember. Life to me is just a bunch if trapped energy with fleeting moments of happiness. It all sounds and seems so trivial as I write this but I'm tired. The crazy and horrible thing is I want to take my two little girls with me. If i didn't and just committed suicide I would be putting a huge burden on my family members. Leaving th w a mother who committed suicide and a father who would not raise them right at all. They would probably end up going nuts or getting in trouble w the law or just utterly depressed. I brought them here and I feel like I am sparing them the burdens and despair of all the events going on around the world today. I love them and I would hurt many by doing this but what do you do if you are just tired of trying and failing over and over again?